Currently, about 90% of all relationships are co-dependent. If you think this figure is high, think again. Co-dependency is a relationship that is formed with the ego-based intention of a partner fulfilling specific needs that the individual believes are necessary for him or her to be complete.
Co-dependency is rooted in the strings or conditions to the love given. It’s as if the ego says, “I will love you if you make me breakfast,” or “I will love you if you support me,” or “I will love you if you are faithful to me or treat me this way or that, and if you fail to live up to these conditions then I will not love you back.” And so, the love in an egoic relationship will always have preconditions.
When love stems from the emotional body of the right-brain, it’s all about, "What can you do for me?” Subsequently, the relationship is formed with particular expectations and ideals, and if the partner doesn’t meet this preconceived image, the relationship is doomed.
For the co-dependent, what is initially perceived as true love frequently turns into resentment, anger, even hatred. This is because co-dependency is, by its very nature, an unnatural state of being. It is an inner compulsion to be with a partner, rather than a choice to be. When you feel as if you have to be with another because of a "lacking" to be complete, then the universe can only send you the same resonance of "lacking" in a mate. It's as if the universe says, "Here you are. This is your mirror self."
Co-dependency stems from ego-love.
Healthy relationships begin with Self mastery.
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Do your thoughts center around negativity toward past partners? Do your thoughts reflect any harboring of animosity, regret, bitterness, or anger toward an ex-partner? When you think of a past partner, do you look down on him or her in a shameful, inferior manner? Do you see any of your ex-partners as being "beneath you" or "not good enough for you" or "non-deserving" of your love?
If you have answered "yes" to any of the aforementioned questions, then I can promise you that you will eventually have the same feelings about your next partner. Guaranteed. You may hit it off and have a romantic affair in the mean time, but until you transcend your negative, shadow emotions, the next relationship is doomed to become a mirror of a prior one.
The key to happiness in relationships is becoming happy with your Self first and foremost. Only the emotionally independent are free. And these are few. Until you can learn to open your heart and love your partner unconditionally -- without expectations, requirements, or a list of qualifications -- you will be loving from your mind, not your heart. And this is not true love.
On the flip side, when you become the person you want to attract first, embody the principles that you admire in others, and become a living example of an emotionally self-reliant person, then you will naturally attract the same in a partner. If you want to be with someone who is spiritual, self-aware, emotionally intelligent, present, and non-judgmental, then you will want to begin working now on transforming your Self so that you exhibit these very same qualities. Only then will you attract the same in a partner. You are who you attract.
Become happy with your Self first.
We can never control how other people behave, nor can we change others. We can, however, change ourselves. When you start to work on your Self and make improvements for the better, the people around you will either change or naturally move out of your life. It just happens that way, and it's great that it does because it's always better for both partners. If you are not in sync or in alignment spiritually with your partner, then it doesn’t serve either person.
One thing that must always be remembered is that you have to create a space in between your partner's negative behavior and your peace of mind. You begin doing this by practicing non-reaction, non-resistance, and acceptance to your partner's behavior. When you do, you may find that your partner will change his or her behavior for the better. If this does not happen, then it may be time for you to take action (without resistance), and move on. It will be clear to you at that time that you have out grown your partner on the level of emotional maturity and self awareness. Then you will be able to attract a new partner with a "higher frequency" that is more in tune with yours.
Most of us spend wasted energy searching for love from somewhere other than our Self. But, the reality is that there is no such thing as “finding love”. There is only your ability to discover love from within your divine Self. If you are searching for love “out there” because you feel unfulfilled in your heart, then you’re setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. We all come from love and it is the destiny of each and every soul to return to love. Find that love first within, and then allow the universe to bring you a reflection of that in a partner.
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© 2012 Jason Lincoln Jeffers, Inc.
The term "soul mate" is both overused and misused in today's vernacular. Individuals who are co-dependent are misled into believing that they are going to find their soul mate if they join an online dating service or follow the guidelines laid out in a particular book. But it doesn't work that way. It begins with becoming emotionally independent first, then attracting the same a partner.
